You Don't Understand
by NoLongerWritingHere
Summary: RemusTonks. Set sometime between the pages of Harry Potter and the HalfBlood Prince although it doesn't give away much of the plot. This is for a challenge over at FictionNET.
1. You Could Never Deceive Me

"**Using one of the quotes provided, write a story that is either inspired by the quote, or features the quote in the story itself."**

Appearances often are deceiving.  
- _Aesop (620 BC - 560 BC), The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing._

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Onto the story. Please read and review. This is set sometime between the pages of _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_. All characters belong to **J K Rowling**, all I have is brownies.

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**You don't understand…**(You Could Never Deceive Me...)

She watched him, her brown eyes unblinking and her breathing calm and steady as she did so. She was careful not to make a sound. He could always hear basically everything, but right now it was more important than ever that he didn't hear her. She had been caught in the past and if it happened again now then she didn't know what might happen…what kind of talk it could lead to…

She rested her head against the door jam; her fingers wrapped around the door knob, ready to pull it shut and hide herself at any moments notice. They weren't alone in the house. Molly was downstairs cleaning up after dinner and Kingsley was going over a stack of papers before he left to go on his night-time watch, but that was all. The fairly well sized mansion was basically empty, compared to how it usually was. How it used to be.

Some of her hair fell in front of her face, obscuring her vision a little. She brushed the mousy brown hair back behind an ear and sighed ever so softly. He moved a little on the sofa he was settled into, perhaps just in his sleep or perhaps from the noise she had made, but either way she ducked back a bit, before very slowly moving back to gaze at him again. His eyes were still closed, his mouth ever so slightly open as he slept, some of his pepper streaked hair falling into his face. Against her smartest thought she slowly entered the room, closing the door behind her. Not that many people used the library or study anyway, she figured they would be okay for a moment.

Against his chest lay a hardcover book, one of those he had saved from the pile of books Sirius had planned to throw out, it had been in the pile of 'boring', since it hadn't qualified for the 'dangerous and cursed' pile or the 'dark arts' pile (Dumbledore had taken them, some had been worthy to put in the restricted section of Hogwarts library for the 7th year Defence Against the Dark Arts students to use as study guides) there had been another pile but it escaped her mind at that moment. Persephone and the Pomegranate Seeds was lying against his chest, still open to his place, pages down and showing the cover to her inquisitive eyes. She peered over at it, the cover was showing a picture of hell with a young, pretty girl sobbing on her knees as a much older man offered her a plate of fruit, decorated with seeds and leaves. She frowned, immediately understanding the connection he had been making as he read it. She picked up the book, and read over the part he had read up to.

"_Zeus shivered at the thought. The little people on the earth would quickly stop paying tribute to the gods if their crops stopped growing and their trees died._

"_It's not up to me." he said gruffly. "There are rules. If Persephone eats anything while she is in the Underworld, she cannot come back to the earth. That's the rule."_

"_Then what are you waiting for?" said Demeter. "Send your messenger this instant!"_

_And though Zeus sent Hermes, fasted flying of all the gods, Demeter sped ahead of him that day, pulling on his sleeve, begging him to hurry."_

She remembered the story now, from bedtime stories her mother had told her when she was young. It was the story of how the seasons of the year had come into the world. Out of the 12 pomegranate seeds Pluto of the Underground had offered Persephone, she had eaten six of them. The law had been if anyone accepted Pluto's hospitality then she'd be locked down there forever. Zeus had finally decide that to match the six of the 12 seeds she had eaten she would live six of the 12 months down with Pluto as his queen, and would be able to return to her family for the other half of the year, giving the world Spring and Summer.

Nymphadora closed the book with a sharp slapping noise, waking Remus immediately. Kicking herself for it she tried to move back into the shadows, but only managed to trip over a small table instead, spilling his now cold Hot Chocolate to the ground.

"Tonks…" he spoke quietly, knowing it was her immediately.

She bit her lip, knowing what was coming. She almost wished he would call her Nymphadora, at least then it meant he was in a good mood.

"What are you doing here?" he asked quietly.

She couldn't answer. He knew she didn't have an answer for this situation anyway.

He sat up wearily on the sofa, and patted the spot next to him, indicating for her to sit down beside him. She did so, and they both said nothing for a moment, she trained her eyes on the flicking fire, her head bowed down a little, and she didn't notice his eyes gazing at her at all.

She jumped a little as his fingers were suddenly touching her hair, resting on her shoulder as they rubbed the mousy brown hair, looking at her thoughtfully.

"Why can't you be happy without me Tonks?" he asked softly, pain evident in his words.

"Why can't you be happy _with _me?" she replied before she had time to think of her answer. He winced visibly.

"We've been through this time, and time again Nymphadora…"

She frowned. Rethinking her earlier thought, he also called her by her first name when he was annoyed, or trying to make a point.

"Why can't you just try it? We could just give it a chance…you're not too old at all…my parents are eleven years apart and think how old we, as wizards, live to be! I don't care about your lack of wealth, since when do either of us need high maintenance? If we can cope as we are doing now then we'd do fine…"

"You're forgetting the main reason…" Remus couldn't look at her anymore, and his hand had long since dropped from her hair.

"Oh you'd never hurt me Remus…you just wouldn't, I know it."

"Appearances often are deceiving." She was surprised at the harshness of his voice, matched with his bitter smile.

She couldn't stop the pause she felt herself thinking, and his bitter smile only widened.

"I'm an Auror…it's my job to-"

He rose a hand, a finger pressing against her lips to silence her while he looked into the flames. She managed to speak again anyway.

"But if anyone could be able to surely it would be-"

"Just…can't you…can't you understand that I would never be able to live with myself if I did anything to you?" he demanded, cutting into her words. "It's not the fact I don't think you can't do whatever comes in your way…not at all…it's the fact _I_ could do something. I've lost everyone Tonks, James and Lily…Sirius twice…Peter a long time ago and yet he still exists today. My parents a long time ago as well now. How could I stand to loose you as well…?"

Tonks couldn't say a thing as these words sunk in. It was so tender for him to be thinking that of her, and so sad to think that he wouldn't let himself get close to anyone now because of it. What a life to live.

She hung her head. How could she reply to that? Saying she would never let that happen to her would only be disrespectful to their memories, anything else would be disrespectful to Remus.

"Do you understand?" he asked, his voice so soft and so sorry for what he had to say to her.

She nodded miserably, but she didn't agree with it for one moment.

"I'm sorry Nymphadora…" he leaned close, and she could smell his scent, a smell of old wood, ashes and boot polish, and his lips were pressed to her forehead, one of his hands wound in hers tightly.

"Do you care about me?" she asked suddenly, although her voice was quiet.

He seemed a little startled by her question.

"Of course I do Tonks…I care about everyone in the Order…"

She frowned. That hadn't been what she meant and she knew he knew it as well.

"Remus…"

He looked down again, his eyes resting on their entwined fingers out of the corner of his eye so she wouldn't see him looking at them.

"I…I feel strongly for you Nymphadora…I could possibly love you if I allowed myself…you know that. You've known that for as long as I have, haven't you? But…I can't let it happen…I just can't…"

She smiled, softly and painfully as she felt her eyes well up with tears, and she gently tilted up his head to press her lips against his. He resisted for a moment, but only one. He welcomed her kiss and drew her in, both with blissfully closed eyes as they held each other close, lips moving slowly and ever so softly against each others, just like the time two weeks ago. It felt so long ago now. All too soon though he pulled away from her and stood up.

"I'm sorry Nymphadora…"

With that he forced himself to walk from the room, leaving her gazing after him, then breaking down into tears once more. She lay where he had just a little while before in front of the fire for quite some time after that.


	2. Heartbreaking Truths

It had been a long day. Harry had been in a bad mood all day and then there had been the cleaning. Also, he had done his shift and dinner had been a long and awkward affair, one of the twins had been caught using fangs from one of the now dead creatures from the old and unused rooms and Molly was still smouldering about it.

At long last he could just relax and read a book, something he had been looking forward to for two days now and it had only been now that he'd finally had the time to do so. He made himself a cup of hot chocolate, using a bar from his secret stash upstairs melted down to get that true taste. The packet stuff was just terrible. Then, he picked up the comforting warm mug along with his book and disappeared into the study.

A book of Greek Myths was his book of choice that night but he didn't get through much of it before sleep claimed him, his hot chocolate still unfinished on the small table close by. He was just getting too old for all this excitement, and when one is fairly depressed the days seem longer and the time given for sleep seems all too short. He fell into his dreams and they wrapped around him almost lovingly, there would be no nightmares that night, but of course such good luck was always interrupted.

A sharp sound woke Remus immediately, and then another crumpled sound rang out as a small table was tripped over and his now cold hot chocolate tumbled to the ground, thankfully only a few sips left it in staining the carpet.

"Tonks…" he spoke quietly, knowing it was her immediately.

Her silence proved he was right in thinking she had been watching him again, he could almost taste the guilt in the air so with a sigh he rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"What are you doing here?" he asked quietly.

She couldn't answer. He knew she didn't have an answer for this situation anyway.

He sat up wearily on the sofa, and patted the spot next to him, indicating for her to sit down beside him. She did so, and they both said nothing for a moment, she trained her eyes on the flicking fire, her head bowed down a little, and she didn't notice his eyes gazing at her at all. He watched her in silence, wondering why such a beautiful creature would waste time speaking to him even. Yet she was. She was simply a wonder.

She jumped a little as his fingers were suddenly touching her hair, resting on her shoulder as they rubbed the mousy brown hair, looking at her thoughtfully.

"Why can't you be happy without me Tonks?" he asked softly, pain evident in his words as it was in his mind, he felt pain whenever he looked at her, because he knew that he could never be so selfish to take her.

"Why can't you be happy with me?" she replied before she had time to think of her answer. He winced visibly.

"We've been through this time, and time again Nymphadora…" Although she hated him calling her though, it was her name and he thought it suited her perfectly. It was a lovely name, especially after you had read the tales it was born from.

"Why can't you just try it? We could just give it a chance…you're not too old at all…my parents are eleven years apart and think how old we, as wizards, live to be! I don't care about your lack of wealth, since when do either of us need high maintenance? If we can cope as we are doing now then we'd do fine…"

"You're forgetting the main reason…" Remus couldn't look at her anymore, and his hand had long since dropped from her hair.

"Oh you'd never hurt me Remus…you just wouldn't, I know it."

"Appearances often are deceiving." She was surprised at the harshness of his voice, matched with his bitter smile. Truthfully, he was a little surprised as well at himself.

His bitter smile only widened as her evident pause wasn't covered, and he knew he had won a mark in their everlasting battle.

"I'm an Auror…it's my job to-"

He rose a hand, a finger pressing against her lips to silence her while he looked into the flames. She managed to speak again anyway.

"But if anyone could be able to surely it would be-"

Remus closed his eyes, the flames of the fire lasting in front of his closed lids as he spoke, one hand clenching the fabric of the sofa as he struggled to keep his voice even over the words they spoke.

"Just…can't you…can't you understand that I would never be able to live with myself if I did anything to you?" he demanded, cutting into her words. "It's not the fact I don't think you can't do whatever comes in your way…not at all…it's the fact I could do something. I've lost everyone Tonks, James and Lily…Sirius twice…Peter a long time ago and yet he still exists today. My parents a long time ago as well now. How could I stand to loose you as well…?"

He squeezed his eyes shut tighter at his last words at the very thought it conjured up. If he lost too many more people, he couldn't see the sense in why he should have to live while those better than him hadn't. It would be unjust.

Tonks didn't reply and didn't utter a sound. She seemed to be conflicted with her thoughts and he could see the words she wanted to say running past her eyes, then as if she realised he could almost read her like a book, she hung her head, escaping his gaze.

"Do you understand?" he asked in a voice so soft and so sorry for what he had to say to her.

She nodded, her body slumped miserably, but he could tell that she didn't agree with it for one moment.

"I'm sorry Nymphadora…" he leaned close and pressed his lips to her forehead in a selfish movement, one of his hands wound in hers tightly.

"Do you care about me?" she asked suddenly, although her voice was quiet.

Startled, Remus drew back from her, his mind raging a mile a minute with how he should reply to that.

"Of course I do Tonks…I care about everyone in the Order…"

She frowned and he knew she was annoyed. It was evident he knew that wasn't what she had meant.

"Remus…"

He looked down again, his eyes resting on their entwined fingers out of the corner of his eye so she wouldn't see him looking at them. He didn't want to say what was in his mind but he felt as if he owed it to her. After all, he had kissed her only two weeks ago and that deserved some explanation.

"I…I feel strongly for you Nymphadora…I could possibly love you if I allowed myself…you know that. You've known that for as long as I have, haven't you? But…I can't let it happen…I just can't…" he trailed off, unable to say anything else although he nearly wanted to and her hand rested on his shoulder, letting him lean into her slightly as he watched her reaction.

She smiled, softly and painfully as she felt her eyes well up with tears, and she gently tilted up his head to press her lips against his. He resisted for a moment, but only one. He could let himself be greedy for just another moment, after all, he was a werewolf. Life owed him a few, right? He welcomed her kiss and drew her in knowing very well that he shouldn't, both with blissfully closed eyes as they held each other close, lips moving slowly and ever so softly against each others, just like the time two weeks ago. It felt so long ago now. All too soon though he pulled away from her and stood up.

"I'm sorry Nymphadora…"

With that he forced himself to walk from the room, and with a heavy heart he took the stairs slowly up to his room.

'_So much for a peaceful night…'_ He thought to himself bleakly. He hated what he had been forced to say, the look in her eyes as she finally realised why he would never be able to let himself get close to her, but it simply had to be said. Hopefully, although he almost wasn't hoping for it, a young and dashing male at her work would sweep her into his arms and he wouldn't be even a thought to her anymore. That would make things easier…but he also knew it wasn't what he wanted. He had slowly grown more jealous over the years, and the ache to have what he wanted was only growing stronger, it just wasn't fair!

He crawled into bed, his bones feeling old, and tears gathered at the crinkled edges of his eyes. He didn't bother to blink them away; instead he lay there until morning, his mind twisted with thoughts. Sometimes being an adult was just too hard, there was too much responsibility…he craved the days back in Hogwarts when his biggest worry was simply what trouble James and Sirius would get him into tomorrow. He rolled over and sighed, cold even though there was three blankets (although thin) on top of him. Being an adult was depressing…

Love was bitter and cruel, and he wished it had never touched him, for he could never touch love back.

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This is a challenge for **FictionNET** ( http / sycotic . org / fnet ) If you're looking for a nifty (mostly based on Harry Potter) writing forum, join Fnet and say that **Keladryie** sent you. It's seriously worth it.

This is written for the challenge: **HP Challenge 11 - Adult Issues**

Under these guidelines: _Okay, so the books are set to revolve around the kids, aren't they? _

_So, use your imaginations and show us what the HP adults do with their time. OC characters may not be included, we just want pure HP characters as J K created them. _

_This is pretty much open to whatever you want to do with it. HP Adults. Fic it. The End XD_


	3. Straight from the heart

Silence wrapped around the house as did the cold, but Nymphadora didn't move to gather a blanket or to put warmer clothing on as she continued to read the book resting on the ground in front of her. She was sprawled out in front of a dying fire, her shoes off and her cloak wrapped awkwardly around her waist. She didn't want that warmth anymore, it was inadequate.

She was back in Grimmauld Place already even though just last night she had escaped from the house especially. Now it was okay though, she was the only one left in it as everyone else was either out shopping, at work or on duty, she had the day off due to working overtime recently, and how was she spending it? Half cold and mournful. Brilliant. She had the entire place to herself, and it echoed straight through her. The peace was almost nice but the peace was all too loud, calling his words back to her mind to haunt her.

She tried to concentrate on the book of Greek Myths in front of her instead but it was almost a stupid thing to do, considering who had been reading the book last.

His words continued to echo in her mind, cutting her further into her sorrow and she could almost feel her morphing abilities leaving her which was a stupid thought since it would of course be impossible.

Still, that's how they felt…

She clenched her cloak in her fist as the memories returned and she read on furiously, trying not to think about it anymore for just that night, just so she could have a break and hopefully move on so she wouldn't hurt anymore, nor be an annoyance to him, but her sub conscious was against her and last nights talk came flooding back…

"_Do you understand?" he asked in a voice so soft and so sorry for what he had to say to her._

_She nodded miserably, but she didn't agree with it for one moment._

"_I'm sorry Nymphadora…" he leaned close, and she could smell his scent, a smell of old wood, ashes and boot polish, and his lips were pressed to her forehead, one of his hands wound in hers tightly._

"_Do you care about me?" she asked suddenly, although her voice was quiet._

_He seemed a little startled by her question._

"_Of course I do Tonks…I care about everyone in the Order…"_

_She frowned. That hadn't been what she meant and she knew he knew it as well._

"_Remus…"_

_He looked down again, his eyes resting on their entwined fingers out of the corner of his eye so she wouldn't see him looking at them._

"_I…I feel strongly for you Nymphadora…I could possibly love you if I allowed myself…you know that. You've known that for as long as I have, haven't you? But…I can't let it happen…I just can't…"_

_She smiled, softly and painfully as she felt her eyes well up with tears, and she gently tilted up his head to press her lips against his. He resisted for a moment, but only one. He welcomed her kiss and drew her in, both with blissfully closed eyes as they held each other close, lips moving slowly and ever so softly against each others, just like the time two weeks ago. It felt so long ago now. All too soon though he pulled away from her and stood up._

"_I'm sorry Nymphadora…"_

And then he had left and in his wake she had curled up on the abandoned sofa exactly where he had slept barely half an hour before, and then she had cried for what seemed like hours. At the sounds of Molly awakening though to start breakfast she had apparated back to her flat, not in the mood to have yet another heart to heart chat about her love life…but once she was there she immediately wanted to return again. Her flat was too cold, her flat was too lonely, and his scarf was still on her armchair from those fateful two weeks ago when they had first kissed.

That kiss. It had been hesitant and almost awkward, but then again so lovely because she had waited for it for so long, and she felt him almost tremble with emotion as he held her closer, one hand holding her chin with her hair wound through his fingers and the other around her waist, holding her so delicately as if she was about to break. What could she do without that sort of gentleness in her life? He had given into what he really wanted, that much was evident and that's why she hadn't given up!

Tonks crumpled the sleeve of her cloak over her eyes as she thought upon it deeper. Everything he had said.

He liked her. She swelled at that though and her lips curled happily despite the situation. It meant she still had a chance.

In fact, damn it. Even though she didn't want to force him and she didn't want to be a nuisance, she had to talk to him again. Then this would be it. She would say her piece and then if he still didn't want to let himself give into what they both wanted…then…so be it. She would leave him alone once and for all.

Tonks rose and pulled on her cloak, dusting herself down to a bit more of an orderly state before she disapperated, slightly mused from lying down lazily for so long. With a hand run through her hair to settle it a bit, she was gone.

"Nymphadora, what are you doing here?" Remus asked almost tiredly after Tonks appeared just a few steps away from him. He was doing his rounds exactly as she had the day before which is why she had good guesstimation at where he would be up to in them, after all, she was an Auror and her tracking was now superb.

"I just have something to tell you." She replied simply, pushing some of her mousy brown hair behind her ear. "Just…hear me out. You don't even have to reply, I just…need you to hear this, okay?"

Remus replied with a slight nod, looking ahead of them and then behind to make sure his duty wasn't totally going ignored because of the depressed girl before him.

"…You say you couldn't stand to lose me as well…but what would happen if you lost me anyway, and you had given up the chance to perhaps have a little bit of happiness while you still could?" Tonks suggested, thankful that he didn't respond despite his chance to, and instead remained listening, a carefully blank look on his face. "What if…we were together and somehow we got through the war which is coming closer every day and enjoyed a life together afterwards? What if, our being together, was what gets us through the war? …If I had you to come home to…I know I would fight just that bit harder, I would be able to fight harder, maybe just that little bit extra so we were able to win, all because we were together?" She trailed off, gathering her thoughts carefully and avoiding his eyes now, wanting to say her piece before he somehow put her off from doing so.

"You feel strongly for me…" she continued. "…Your life hasn't exactly been fun Remus…as you've said many times. You can't cut yourself off from every chance you have at happiness…it could destroy you. I really like you Remus." She added suddenly in a rush. "I don't want to say I love you yet since that could sound a bit teenagery crush…but…I really, really like you Remus…I would love you, if you'd let me. Not that you can stop me, but you understand…" she was starting to get flustered and she closed her eyes, trying to calm her heart and her mind down before she ruined all chances she ever had with him.

"…You said…you could maybe _love me_ if you let yourself…I think you should let yourself…because you're the only one stopping this from all happening. We could die tomorrow Remus…heck, we could die tonight or in the next five seconds. Why can't we be happy while we still can?" She paused while she thought of her next words. "…I'd love to have someone to live for." She smiled, her smile so special to him at that moment, it was a smile he had never seen before, full of hope and shy love. "Someone to live for…" she repeated. "Unafraid to say _I love you…_Just that…feeling of home, Remus! To be able to come home to someone…you have that waiting for you…why deny yourself, _and_ me?"

They stood now in silence, gazing at each other now that Tonks had brought herself to gaze at him again, standing so close she could reach out and touch him, although she didn't, she couldn't push him perhaps over the edge when she was so close…

She was close, wasn't she? …?

"Damn you, Nymph…" Remus sighed, pulling her closer as he kissed her deeply, almost with hunger and Tonks kissed him back happily, hands curling around the back of his neck. She had won. For the time being anyhow…

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So, what do you think? This chapter isn't even for a challenge anywhere, unlike nearly every single one of my other pieces posted here :p I just got drawn into this almostfic… 


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